Bitching & Moaning

Resolutions from last year:

"I will find a balance between taking others' opinions into consideration and making my own choices with no input." -- I feel like I came a long way from where I was with this last year, thanks to a lot of things that I didn't actually have that much control over. Regardless, I would give myself a sticker for this one.

"I will spend less time on a computer." -- Oy. For a long time I was really good about this, but I have fallen back into some pretty awful habits lately. It mostly is just that it is December and the end of the semester sucks and I just want to be online and not working. But I will get back into a good place in a few weeks. And I have overall done much better, I feel.

"I will live in the present." -- Wow, I had forgotten the extent to which I had not been. I feel like I do. Very much.

"I will spend more time with my family." -- Oh, I won this one SO HARD. I spend so much more time with my family this year and now we are all so much like... happier all the time. I love it.

Resolutions for this year:

I'm not sure yet. I feel pretty solid about my life right now.

This year has treated me very kindly.

In 2010, I will turn 18. I will graduate. I will start college. I will move to the city. I will be in an entirely different place a year from now.

Things I want to do:

Get a job
Continue rocking my classes (don't fall victim to senioritis)
Spend more time with people not from PDS
Go on dates
Look good a lot of the time
Read

Things I really don't want to do :

Fall in love
I don't want to accidentally not continue getting exercise when basketball stops.
...That's about it, really.

I want it to be several months from now.

I want to know what I'm doing next year.

I want to be accepted to college, figure out my internship, find a job for the summer...

I want to be able to see people at winter game, but it's ... two and a half days ... and I'm production. Why am I paying 200 dollars to not see anyone? What is my deal?

I want to graduate.

I want new friends, not that I don't like mine now... I love them. But I need new ones too.

I want to spend more time with Emma Colangelo. She is hilarious.

I want to look good more often.

I want someone to notice how often I do look good.

I want to get the fuck out of PDS.

I can't breathe.

I hear from Macaulay today.

First line of first post from each month. My life sounds much more terrible than it is. I only write here when I'm angsty.

January: Not to neglect my own opinion, or let it decide everything.

February: "Douché" : When someone really reluctantly acknowledges that you might have a point.

March: Fucking cunt piece of shit.

April: I have been killing myself to have every fucking reading for this INSANE history class done on time.

May: "Wow, Great Grandpa Charlie!"

June: It's so hard watching my friends be so fucking self-sabatoging.

July: Getting dumped sucks dick.

August: Recovering.

September: Today is the first day of schooooool.

October: I've decided I want to start cooking a lot.

November: I think that I haven't posted in a while.

December: First line of first post from each month.

Adventurer
Friends let friends...
Shoulders
Word on the Street
Nutritious Breakfast -- This one reminds me of something else I wanted to do.

Unmatchable libido.

 I think that I haven't posted in a while.

There has been so much drama this year. It's so ridiculous. But whatever.

I sent in my application to the Macaulay program at Hunter on October 31st. 

I hear mid-December.

I'm freaking out.

But trying to distract myself for the next several weeks. This weekend I have a lot of work to do -- we have a huge test in history on Monday. But mostly I really have to stay home and recover; I've been sick for a while and it's pretty gross.

My independent study has been going well... but it's hard, for sure. I'm getting way different results than last year's class did and I don't know why. 

I can't wait to graduate.

Young Mario sitting at a breakfast table. He is far too large for his age. Whatever, he's not happy with mushroom. Fuck this. Alice? Whatever.

Happy.
Secrets.
Plotting.

I've decided I want to start cooking a lot.

It's fun and really satisfying.

I like things.

I am sick, but I slept a lot last night.

Today is homework.

I have a very cool idea for a project for my history class, but I don't know if I can actually do it.

I have good friends. The fall is beautiful. I am a senior.

Rocking it. 

-"Can't Touch This" ***

-"Elephants never forgive, and they never forget"  *****

-Rock, Paper, Scissors ***

-"Never Drink and Derive" ***** (Ahhh, I have wanted this for so long. Maybe I'll get it soon? We'll see.)

-"I'd hit that" ***

-"I only like NY as a friend" ***** (This made me laugh pretty hard, but probably harder because I read Bo Burnham's status this morning saying he was going to kill anyone in the city he found with an I <3 NY shirt... anyway, I want this.)

-"Your tan line is showing" ***** (I absolutely love this.)

-"This means war" ***

-"My other T is a Rex" ****

-"Say People!" ***

-"Weapons of Math Destruction" ***

-"For every sprinkle I find..." *** (The only reason I like it at all is Julia Sub.)

-"I'd like to double your entendre" ***

Thank you all for having my back way harder than I realized.

I love you very much and I deeply appreciate your comments, and your texts, and your IMs, and your calls.

I forgot I had friends, and you reminded me so wonderfully.

 Night times are still unbearable. 

I miss him so much. 

I don't sleep enough because I get scared to stop what I'm doing and have to face that alone time.

I don't know what to think about when I turn off the light and all I do is miss him.

Never let anyone break your heart.

I don't know how to get better.

First day was awesome.

This semester I have History, Spanish, the second semester of Calculus, Chemistry, Independent Physics of Waves, and applying to college. It doesn't sound so much that way. 

But it will be once all the extra shit starts.

Right now I'm anxious about too much free time which is hilarious because I will post here in three weeks saying I can't breathe.

Ohm.

Love,
Eva

Today is the first day of schooooool.

We are seniors. Sen10rs.

Oh my god! 

 Recovering. I can't get enough of this smell.

 Getting dumped sucks dick.

I'm going to Costa Rica for two weeks!!

We have to be at school at 2 in the morning.

We're not sleeping. 

It's so hard watching my friends be so fucking self-sabatoging.

In the same day, three of my friends told me about how much they've fucked up. I guess I shouldn't post specifically what happened, because then it might be clear to one or two of you who they are.

But... they are all putting themselves in such awful positions, and then complaining about it... and sometimes I just want to tell them that what I have is only a small part luck (having the parents I do). The rest is a lot of fucking work, and they need to get their shit together.

I can cut one of them a little slack, but the other two need to grow the fuck up and stop pretending they're so special.

...I hate feeling this way, though. They are supposed to be my friends. I should be there for them Even Though.

But I'm so sick of the way each one of them thinks they are genuinely at a disadvantage compared to the rest of the world.

If they are, it's only because they put themselves in such situations.

UGH.

 Scrawled on the side of my NYU info sheet from our tour: 

-Bumper stickers (Conversation starters for people on long road trips behind you. Something like, "Long Trip? Conversation Starter #321: **Insert some interesting/controversial/something statement here.**)

-Quotation marks vs. underlining (The world needs to know that quotation marks are not to be used for emphasis. I had some ideas about how to structure a funny essay about it. I don't remember them in full now, but just have the image of our tour guide explaining to us that we could "create" our own major, and that it would be "independent"... or something like that.)

-Transitions? (Oh, this was a college essay idea that I already fleshed out... I don't know if I like it as much as I like my other idea.)

-"I'll only be impressed when you start doing something and not just saying you can." (What I should have said ages ago.)

Also:

Today, Caia and I were on our way to the mall and I was dancing like an idiot (I was actually making fun of our friend). Some guy in the car next to us saw me and laughed really hard and thumbsed up at me. We laughed hysterically and the next time we caught up with each other at a stoplight, I yelled, "I don't really dance like that!" We kept passing each other and waving 'til we turned off of 9. It was really funny.