Bitching & Moaning

Adventurer
Friends let friends...
Shoulders
Word on the Street
Nutritious Breakfast -- This one reminds me of something else I wanted to do.

Unmatchable libido.

 I think that I haven't posted in a while.

There has been so much drama this year. It's so ridiculous. But whatever.

I sent in my application to the Macaulay program at Hunter on October 31st. 

I hear mid-December.

I'm freaking out.

But trying to distract myself for the next several weeks. This weekend I have a lot of work to do -- we have a huge test in history on Monday. But mostly I really have to stay home and recover; I've been sick for a while and it's pretty gross.

My independent study has been going well... but it's hard, for sure. I'm getting way different results than last year's class did and I don't know why. 

I can't wait to graduate.

Young Mario sitting at a breakfast table. He is far too large for his age. Whatever, he's not happy with mushroom. Fuck this. Alice? Whatever.

Happy.
Secrets.
Plotting.

I've decided I want to start cooking a lot.

It's fun and really satisfying.

I like things.

I am sick, but I slept a lot last night.

Today is homework.

I have a very cool idea for a project for my history class, but I don't know if I can actually do it.

I have good friends. The fall is beautiful. I am a senior.

Rocking it. 

-"Can't Touch This" ***

-"Elephants never forgive, and they never forget"  *****

-Rock, Paper, Scissors ***

-"Never Drink and Derive" ***** (Ahhh, I have wanted this for so long. Maybe I'll get it soon? We'll see.)

-"I'd hit that" ***

-"I only like NY as a friend" ***** (This made me laugh pretty hard, but probably harder because I read Bo Burnham's status this morning saying he was going to kill anyone in the city he found with an I <3 NY shirt... anyway, I want this.)

-"Your tan line is showing" ***** (I absolutely love this.)

-"This means war" ***

-"My other T is a Rex" ****

-"Say People!" ***

-"Weapons of Math Destruction" ***

-"For every sprinkle I find..." *** (The only reason I like it at all is Julia Sub.)

-"I'd like to double your entendre" ***

Thank you all for having my back way harder than I realized.

I love you very much and I deeply appreciate your comments, and your texts, and your IMs, and your calls.

I forgot I had friends, and you reminded me so wonderfully.

 Night times are still unbearable. 

I miss him so much. 

I don't sleep enough because I get scared to stop what I'm doing and have to face that alone time.

I don't know what to think about when I turn off the light and all I do is miss him.

Never let anyone break your heart.

I don't know how to get better.

First day was awesome.

This semester I have History, Spanish, the second semester of Calculus, Chemistry, Independent Physics of Waves, and applying to college. It doesn't sound so much that way. 

But it will be once all the extra shit starts.

Right now I'm anxious about too much free time which is hilarious because I will post here in three weeks saying I can't breathe.

Ohm.

Love,
Eva

Today is the first day of schooooool.

We are seniors. Sen10rs.

Oh my god! 

 Recovering. I can't get enough of this smell.

 Getting dumped sucks dick.

I'm going to Costa Rica for two weeks!!

We have to be at school at 2 in the morning.

We're not sleeping. 

It's so hard watching my friends be so fucking self-sabatoging.

In the same day, three of my friends told me about how much they've fucked up. I guess I shouldn't post specifically what happened, because then it might be clear to one or two of you who they are.

But... they are all putting themselves in such awful positions, and then complaining about it... and sometimes I just want to tell them that what I have is only a small part luck (having the parents I do). The rest is a lot of fucking work, and they need to get their shit together.

I can cut one of them a little slack, but the other two need to grow the fuck up and stop pretending they're so special.

...I hate feeling this way, though. They are supposed to be my friends. I should be there for them Even Though.

But I'm so sick of the way each one of them thinks they are genuinely at a disadvantage compared to the rest of the world.

If they are, it's only because they put themselves in such situations.

UGH.

 Scrawled on the side of my NYU info sheet from our tour: 

-Bumper stickers (Conversation starters for people on long road trips behind you. Something like, "Long Trip? Conversation Starter #321: **Insert some interesting/controversial/something statement here.**)

-Quotation marks vs. underlining (The world needs to know that quotation marks are not to be used for emphasis. I had some ideas about how to structure a funny essay about it. I don't remember them in full now, but just have the image of our tour guide explaining to us that we could "create" our own major, and that it would be "independent"... or something like that.)

-Transitions? (Oh, this was a college essay idea that I already fleshed out... I don't know if I like it as much as I like my other idea.)

-"I'll only be impressed when you start doing something and not just saying you can." (What I should have said ages ago.)

Also:

Today, Caia and I were on our way to the mall and I was dancing like an idiot (I was actually making fun of our friend). Some guy in the car next to us saw me and laughed really hard and thumbsed up at me. We laughed hysterically and the next time we caught up with each other at a stoplight, I yelled, "I don't really dance like that!" We kept passing each other and waving 'til we turned off of 9. It was really funny.

I have been so utterly spoiled and showered with attention, and the day is not over.

I still get to sing with Sidereal, see my loving boyfriend, have dinner with Zoe and her family, because it's her birthday, too, and snuggle 'til I fall asleep.

I love my life. It's so warm and beautiful and I love it. 

Ahhh. I am working on Calculus, and I just did a ton of my Physics lab. I need help with both, but I'm trying to get a lot done cause I won't get home until like... 10 probably.

My mom gave me the cutest dress and lent me her tiara. I brought mine in for Zoe to wear, and brought donuts for everybody. I feel very good about things. I have gotten lots of positive feedback about lots of different things today. We got slushies from On The Run at two. :)

I'm so happy. Mmm, and it smells like summer on the front porch of Kenyon. 

Good god, what a fucking wonderful day. I feel like I have friends again, and I mean, I know that's because people are nice to you on your birthday, but even so. It's really sweet. I haven't felt so utterly content in a while. 

The weather is absolutely fucking perfect.

Thank you for the birthday wishes and the weather and the smiles. Love.

 "Wow, Great Grandpa Charlie! Before this chickie exhausted its inner space resources and poked out of its shell, it must have thought it was at its last moments. But what seemed like its end was a new beginning. Are we like chickies, ready to poke through to a new environment and a new understanding of our place in the universe?"

 I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared and I wish I were happy again. Not that I'm not ever happy but I never get through a day without being obscenely angry or crying hysterically. I'm so worried Jasper will break up with me for being so crazy. I just want to be like how I used to and I hate this.

 I have been killing myself to have every fucking reading for this INSANE history class done on time. Once in this whole quarter was I a few days late, but it was because we were not discussing them until Wednesday, so I spread it out. 

In my reports, she said I needed to work on getting the readings done on time. 

I want to cry - I'm so frustrated. 

It's like... the only comfort I take in how much work I do is this little recognition I get for trying so hard, and she doesn't think I'm doing the work. That's so .... well, yeah, frustrating.

I might talk to her about it, because I'm really upset by it. Obviously she's not gonna like.... change my report or anything but I want her to know that I have done every reading on time.